Marianne Brandon Ph.D.
The Future of Intimacy
SEX
The Future of Intimacy
When I was invited to blog for Psychology Today, I was truly honored — but also anxious about it. I wanted to offer something fresh, information and ideas based on all that I have learned through my decades of therapy with folks trying hard to create satisfying intimate relationships. My days are filled with conversations that aren’t available to journalists writing articles on sex. Conversations that aren’t politically correct, and information you won’t read on the pages of popular magazines or in the bestsellers adorning the shelves of airport bookstores. I titled my blog The Future of Intimacy because I wanted to recognize that our sociosexual experience is organic — always in flux, co-created in response to multiple evolving variables. I wanted to not just write about sex today, but also the intimacy of tomorrow.
Source: Antonio Guillem/Shutterstock
That fact is, intimate connection is becoming even more challenging. Our struggle with COVID is only amplifying trends that have been increasingly evident over the past decade. Our culture seems to be transforming more quickly than at any time in the history of humankind. Technology, for better and for worse, has impacted nearly every aspect of our lives. From a mental health perspective, research shows that people are progressively more stressed, socially isolated, depressed, and anxious over the last decade or so. People are increasingly isolated, having less sex, waiting longer to date, and spending less time with each other in undistracted conversation.
At the same time, we expect more from our romantic partners than we have in the past, and we have less to give — if only because much of our energy is zapped by the many responsibilities of daily life. Just keeping hourly track of world events, staying on top of relentless emails, and remaining relevant on social media are challenges that require hours of our precious time every day — hours that decades ago we spent doing more relaxing and/or social activities.
Turning a blind eye to these trends is unlikely to be helpful. Today’s trends form the basis of tomorrow’s reality. As a clinical psychologist, sex therapist and futurist, the future of human intimacy intrigues me. Human intimate connection is the great elixir for many of the ills described above. Connection — especially intimate connection — makes us feel vital and alive. It enhances our self-esteem, gives our lives meaning, and makes us feel like we matter in what can often feel like a loveless world.
Of course, if current trends continue, we can only speculate about the ways our children and grandchildren will experience intimacy. However, our best bet — and theirs — is for us to bring consciousness to these trends so that we can mitigate their challenges and capitalize on the benefits of technology’s impact. I am a fan of technology — it makes me more efficient and effective in the world. It offers me comfort, knowledge and pleasure. I am not here to tell you technology is evil, or detrimental to the human race, because I do not believe that. But we need to be mindful about the ways we use tech in our lives.
What I do believe is that tech is more powerful than any of us can fathom, and this power will only intensify in the coming decades. Nowhere is this more obvious than in our bedrooms. If we continue to pull away from each other, sex tech will be there to fill the void — for better and for worse.
It is essential to understand the science behind sex tech in order to more fully appreciate the intimate challenges ahead for all of us. Sex tech is an example of “supernormal stimuli.” Supernormal stimuli refer to artificial creations, including technology, that gratify our instinctive desires in a more powerful and satisfying way than can be obtained naturally. For example, supernormal food not only satisfies our desires for sweet and salty combinations of flavors but amps up the intensity of these flavors to a degree that cannot be replicated in the produce section of your local grocery store. It’s like the difference between an apple (a naturally occurring substance whose sweetness is instinctively compelling) and an apple pie, into which we’ve added sugar, cinnamon, and a flaky crust. The end result is a dessert that many of us are more likely to long for while lying in bed at night than a simple apple.
Sex tech is the apple pie of sexual pleasure. It offers us more intense stimulation than a human partner can provide, and the potency of sex tech is only intensifying as tech advances. An extreme example of supernormal sexual stimuli in our bedrooms will be the sex robots coming on the scene in several decades. Robot sex partners who are willing to do anything you ask, and always available with no needs of their own, are in our future.
Remember, no technology — even sex tech — is all good or all bad. Managing the potential dangers of sex tech requires that we engage in an honest dialogue now about its advantages and disadvantages. It requires us to examine our own lives and bring more consciousness to our intimate relationships and our use of technology today. Sex tech offers us an invitation to connect with our bodies, our hearts, and those things that make us human — including human intimacy. Right now, we have a choice. We can ignore this invitation and be passive bystanders to our intimate future, but I suggest we take a different tack. Let’s actively write the story of the Future of Intimacy.
