Marianne Brandon Ph.D.
The Future of Intimacy
PORNOGRAPHY
An exploration of this baffling form of digital seduction.
KEY POINTS
- The dominant narrative today about men, women, and power is that men prefer women to be subservient.
- In truth, many men respect, love, and are excited by strong women.
- Most people, regardless of gender, seem to desire a lover who can hold their own both in and outside the bedroom.
Source: Viorel Sima/Shutterstock
Femdom porn
Pornhub is the most popular English-speaking porn site in the world. It publishes an annual report categorizing who is searching for and watching what kind of porn. In the 2019 list of “porn searches that define 2019,” guess what slid in at No. 10? Femdom porn. In case you don’t know, femdom porn is exactly that — porn depicting a person identified as female assuming the dominant sexual role. Out of the hundreds of porn categories out there, femdom is strikingly high on men’s list of favs. If men really preferred passive women, it’s very difficult for me to believe this would be such a popular outlet for their arousal.
The simp phenomenon
Urban Dictionary defines simp in several ways, including “when a male is overly submissive to a female and gains nothing from it. So overly submissive that other guys cringe and feel ashamed when seeing them. This applies to males in relationships when they are so submissive that they say literally anything to be in favor with the female.” This phenomenon has been getting a lot of airplay in the last few years. “Simps” are considered hetero guys who take pleasing their dominant female partner very seriously. Again, not a group of men who we would generally describe as disliking powerful women. Instead, pleasing a powerful woman becomes a priority in their lives.
The younger guy trolling for older women
It seems increasingly common to hear stories of a 30-something guy on dating apps trolling for older women. So often when 40- or 50-something women enter the online dating scene, they are hit up by younger guys. Some women find it appealing and complimentary, while others find it offensive or pitiful. Nonetheless, the fact of the matter is that it’s hard to be a confident, independent woman on a dating site and not get this kind of male attention. Men who dislike powerful women would not seek to date or hook up with more mature females.
The sexual challenges of couples in long-term relationships
I work with many couples trying to keep their long-term relationship sexually satisfying. So often I hear hetero guys tell me they love their wife’s or girlfriend’s power and intelligence — they like the challenge of being with a strong woman both in and outside the bedroom. They are excited by a lover who knows what she wants in bed and isn’t afraid to get it — a woman who has sexual experience and isn’t shy or careful between the sheets. If anything, these men hope that their partners will gain sexual power from seeing me for sex therapy. In my close to 25 years of private practice, I recall very few men who felt their partners needed toning down in the bedroom.
Ironically, I often hear these same sorts of comments about power from hetero women in my therapy room. Women tend to want more confidence and assertiveness from their men in bed, not less. I rarely hear women say they want their partners to be more careful, more polite, or more passive between the sheets. Instead, I hear women wishing their hetero partners would take charge in the bedroom, lead rather than follow, and touch them with confidence and passion. It’s unlikely that I’m the only sex therapist hearing this message. Yet, sadly, this is not our cultural narrative, and it’s not how we are guiding men today.
Today, most people seem to desire a lover who can hold their own in the bedroom. Of course, there will always be a subset of people who identify as male and people who identify as female who prefer submissive sex partners. But I don’t hear most men (or women) say that they want more passive, subservient lovers. If anything, it’s the opposite. Let’s look at the facts and recognize that many modern men love and are turned on by dominant women. It’s time for our cultural narrative to reflect reality.
