Marianne Brandon Ph.D.
The Future of Intimacy
RELATIONSHIPS
It may be your body’s natural response to our over-stimulating environment.
KEY POINTS
- For all its benefits, technological advancements present unique challenges for our neurobiology.
- Our brains consist of older areas involved in keeping us safe and the more recently evolved neocortex.
- Our ancient brain hardware gets repeatedly triggered by what has become highly stimulating daily life.
“I’m exhausted” was a popular opening statement in my therapy room this year.
But my clients don’t even need to say it because it’s evident as soon as I see them. They describe neglecting important priorities they know would help them cope – exercise, intimate time with their romantic partner, and sleep. Knowing what will help but not having the energy to follow through only adds to their frustration.
Source: Fizkes/Shutterstock
Consider the smart phone, released just over 15 years ago. No longer were we required to sit in front of a computer screen to read email, check the weather, or communicate with others. Instead, we instantly acquired constant access to this info – even in the car, lying in bed, or waiting for the dentist. But these same advancements present challenges that are easy for us to minimize or even ignore.
For the first time in the history of humanity, we are constantly alerted to crisis. And not just the crisis of our community but those of the entire world. And not just actual catastrophe but the potential of every catastrophe on the planet. We respond to these stories with powerful emotions like rage, fear, sadness, jealousy, and anxiety.
These emotional reactions result from our more ancient, primal brains doing what they are designed to do. Our neurobiology has adapted over thousands of years for an environment very different from the one we now find ourselves in. At its most basic, our primal brain is programmed to keep us alive so we can pass on DNA.
To accomplish this goal, it’s on the lookout for anything that could interfere with our survival. When triggered – which much of tech is designed to do – it instinctively responds by releasing stress hormones like cortisol. Cortisol’s purpose is to make you uncomfortable so that you will react immediately to a dangerous situation.
But because there’s often little we can do in the moment to impact a world crisis positively, we are left feeling agitated and helpless. We become pressure cookers for challenging emotions that zap our energy and leave us with little left for things that help us cope, like self-care and tending to our intimate relationships. It’s a recipe for overwhelm. Either that or the popular alternative, emotional shutdown – also not good for you or your intimate relationships – people tend not to enjoy sex when they or their partner are emotionally closed off.
Our primal brains are extraordinarily easy for technology to manipulate (hence the power of porn, but that’s a topic for another blog post). But the good news is that there are things you can do about this cycle. Think of your primal brain as a child needing protection – it doesn’t understand the consequences of its actions.
Maybe even have some compassion for your ancient neurobiology – after all, it’s just doing its job. Next, try limiting your time on technology. We know that limiting time on tech is important for children’s developing nervous systems, but we don’t necessarily think of adults as benefiting as well.
Minimizing the amount of information and stimulation you metabolize daily can be an important first step in claiming some energy back for yourself. This may be difficult if you feel compelled as a responsible citizen to be aware of current news or if screen time is an easy way to entertain yourself when you are overwhelmed – it doesn’t require physical movement or even human interaction. A likely reality is that you are draining your energy reserves and, thus, less able to tend to yourself and the relationships that nourish your mental health.
Finally, invite your primal brain to go offline periodically by developing a regular practice that lets it feel safe. This is different from distracting yourself, watching TV, running on the treadmill, or playing video games because those activities don’t help your body feel calm. There are many ways to create calming experiences: yoga, meditation, making art, stretching, and listening to relaxing music are a few options.
Reading a book works for me – it is different from reading online.
Getting into these habits makes sense even if you aren’t feeling overwhelmed. Our lives will likely not return to the pace of the past, so your brain will continue doing what it was designed to – mobilize you in response to potential threats.
With these practices, you can use the best that advancing technology has to offer while still having the energy to care for yourself and your relationships in the process.
References
Huff, C. (2022). Media overload is hurting our mental health. Here are ways to manage headline stress. APA Monitor on Psychology, 53(8), 20.
