Integrating Sex Tech With Sex

Marianne Brandon Ph.D.
The Future of Intimacy

---

SEX

Amplify excitement while boosting intimacy.

---

KEY POINTS

• Developments in technology such as Facebook and dating apps permanently modify how we connect.
• Sex tech itself is becoming more advanced, influencing our self-pleasure, sex play, and orgasms.
• Integrating your favorite sex tech with your sex life can amplify its impact.

---

Sex tech is a multi-billion-dollar industry that is growing like wildfire. Modern sex toys are inventions all their own, capable of everything from recording your orgasms to thrusting to the beat of a porn video. In fact, today’s sex tech is perhaps more prepared to take you to the promised land than the more old-fashioned body parts possessed by your lover. In fact, I occasionally hear clients in my therapy room say as much — that sex with their tech is more exciting than sex with their partner. As sex tech intensifies, I expect to hear this concern more often.

Why Using Tech With Your Partner Can Increase Your Excitement

If we find something sexually stimulating, it demands our attention. That’s a tendency baked into our DNA — obvious when an attractive person walks past us, or when we feel captivated by another’s touch. It’s no wonder that sex tech, such as porn or a sex toy, can also swiftly command our attention. For some people, it can be surprisingly easy to lose contact with a partner once such sexual sensations intensify. But consciously connecting to your partner in that moment can amplify a sense of intimacy, taking your sexual sensations to another level. That’s because intimacy makes people feel vulnerable, and vulnerability enhances lust. Put another way, feelings of exposure or openness can amp up sexual sensation. Think about the best sex you’ve had — chances are, you felt some level of vulnerability during that experience, such as the uncertainty of sex with a new partner or trying something new in bed.

But a sense of vulnerability isn’t the only reason connection with your partner can amplify your experience with tech. Another is that it can generate sensations of closeness and connection. We are social beings, and many of us long for the sense of safety and belonging afforded by connection with others. Giving and receiving tender contact in sexual situations can meet these deep and powerful needs. Sex tech can do the job alone, but ultimately at the expense of the more intense sensation that happens when tech and partner are paired for action.

Of course, not all sex needs to be intimate. But, if you value your skills as a lover, you probably want at least some of your sex to have that component. Until you decide how you want your sex life to look in the future, practicing this integration now makes sense. Plus, research suggests that just as taking care of your relationship benefits your sex life, so too does taking care of your sex life benefit your relationship. It’s a win-win.

Experiment With These Five Steps

There’s no “correct” way to connect more mindfully during sex. In general, it involves focusing more consciously on your own body and on your lover. Here are possible steps to follow if you want to experiment with amping up your sensual experience in this way:

1. Open your heart: You can start this before you even enter the room with your partner. Think of the ways you appreciate them, and/or how they add to your life. Remind yourself why you are happy to share these moments together. Even if you don’t know them well, they are a human being looking to share an experience with you. Acknowledging this with gratitude helps you open your heart and body.
2. Breathe: Any kind of conscious breathing will do. Some people like to count their in-breaths and out-breaths, and others like to focus on the sensation of air traveling through their nose or notice their belly rise and fall with each breath. However you do it, focusing on your breath gets you out of your mind and away from distracting thoughts, plus it helps you get centered in your body and thus more aware of sensations.
3. Make eye contact: Little connects people in a matter of a moment than eye contact. Looking into your partner’s eyes allows for an intensity that can even make people anxious it can feel so powerful. If that’s the case for you, rather than laugh or smile, see if you can allow yourself to feel the moment. They say eyes are the window to the soul, so let your partner see you.
4. Communicate: Communicate throughout the experience, whether it be with words or your touch. This ensures that your sexual adventure remains a shared one.
5. Reconnect: After sex, allow a few minutes to reconnect with your partner before life floods back. Once again, these quiet moments can help solidify your sexual experience as a shared one.

Integrating sex tech with the sex you have with your partner may not be much of a challenge today. However, the tech of tomorrow is expected to be increasingly powerful and even lifelike. Develop a vision now of the sex life of your future. Practicing these mindful techniques today will help you integrate increasingly potent tech with your partnered sex life, ensuring you enjoy the best of both worlds — human partners and technical ones.

 
References
Goldsmith, K. Byers, E.S. (2023) Factors associated with sexual satisfaction in mixed-sex long-distance and geographically close relationships. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 38:2, 171-193, DOI: 10.1080/14681994.2020.1813884