Marianne Brandon Ph.D.
The Future of Intimacy
SEX
If your low desire leads to lack of touch, sex tech may help.
KEY POINTS
- Nearly 20 percent of American adults have been diagnosed with depression in their lifetimes.
- Rates of sexual problems for folks diagnosed but not treated for depression are strikingly high.
- People with emotional and sexual challenges may avoid touch in an effort not to mislead their partner.
Early in my career as a sex therapist, it became evident that for many people, sexual satisfaction has a powerful impact on relationship satisfaction and even life satisfaction. Satisfying sex facilitates our sense of connection with a romantic partner, which helps us feel pleasure in this challenging world. Unfortunately, sexual dysfunctions can interfere with pleasure and connection because they may close people off from intimate contact.
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Correlation Between Mental Health and Sexual Dysfunction
A recently published review highlighting the strong correlation between psychiatric disorders and sexual dysfunction caught my eye. That’s because folks with psychiatric challenges are already at risk for feeling disconnected in their relationships and in life—let alone the added negative impact sexual dysfunction can have on social isolation. Unfortunately, the co-occurrence of emotional and sexual challenges as identified in this study suggests to me that when people need comfort and connection the most, they may be least inclined to seek it out.
In this review article, among those with untreated depressive disorders, between 45 and 93 percent of people reported a co-occurring sexual dysfunction. Similarly, between 33 and 75 percent of people with anxiety disorders, 25 to 81 percent of folks with obsessive-compulsive disorder, and 25 percent of people with schizophrenia also acknowledged sexual challenges. These ranges are wide because each study reviewed a unique population and used different data collection methods, and, thus, their findings varied. Overall, the most frequent sexual concern was low desire for men and women, followed by orgasmic dysfunction.
Rates of Psychiatric Concerns Increasing in the United States
Coping with depression is difficult enough, even without the additional challenge of sexual dysfunction. A poll recently published in CNN Health identified that nearly 20 percent of American adults have been diagnosed with depression in their lifetime. These numbers are alarming, especially because they are likely an underestimate in that they don’t include people with undiagnosed depression. This represents record levels of depression in the United States—not surprising considering that adults in the United States also report record levels of stress, according to the American Psychological Association’s 2022 annual Stress in America Survey. In this survey, 27 percent of U.S. adults reported that, on most days, they were “so stressed they couldn’t function.” This includes almost half (46 percent) of adults under age 35.
People Avoiding Touch When They Have No Sex Drive
At the same time, it probably doesn’t surprise you that people are having less sex than they used to. No doubt, as identified in the article cited above, there’s a relationship here between emotional challenges and sexual ones—especially low desire. In my therapy room, depressed clients who lack sex drive acknowledge that they stop touching their partner because they fear it will imply that they are initiating sex. As a result, folks with emotional or sexual challenges risk cultivating not only a sexless marriage but a touchless one as well. Not good for anyone, but certainly unhelpful for people struggling with isolating emotional and sexual challenges.
Creative Ways to Meet Everyone’s Needs
If you relate to this experience of pulling back from your partner when you most need connection, here are some suggestions. Sexual dysfunction doesn’t have to prevent you from intimacy since sex play isn’t a prerequisite to intimate connection. Reaching out to your lover in small ways can offer much-needed connection and comfort: hold hands, do something mindful together like take a walk, cuddle while watching TV, give each other massages, or slow dance in the kitchen.
If you fear that these efforts will excite your partner, sex tech may provide an interesting compromise that could enable both of you to get your needs met. For example, if your partner misses your sexual relationship and you miss your partner’s touch, consider encouraging your partner to watch porn or masturbate with a sex toy if they get turned on while cuddling or slow dancing with you. Such creative use of sex tech may be just what you both need to keep your intimate connection strong and thriving when your intimate needs don’t align. The alternative, a touchless and sexless relationship, is probably unhelpful for you both.
In sum, you don’t have to let your emotional and/or sexual challenges extinguish your intimate connection. If you find yourself struggling with mood and sexual challenges, there is much you can do to counteract isolation and maintain your intimate connection. For some people, sex tech is a creative part of that solution.
References
Herder, T., Spoelstra, S. K., Peters, A. W. M., & Knegtering, H. (2023). Sexual dysfunction related to psychiatric disorders: a systematic review. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, qdad074.
Lee B, Wang Y, Carlson SA, et al. National, State-Level, and County-Level Prevalence Estimates of Adults Aged ≥18 Years Self-Reporting a Lifetime Diagnosis of Depression—United States, 2020. MMWR Morb Mortal Wkly Rep, 2023;72:644–650. DOI: http://dx.doi.org/10.15585/mmwr.mm7224a1.
American Psychological Association Stress in America Survey (2022). APA, https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/stress/2022/concerned-future-in….
