How to Take Your Sex Life to the Next Level

Marianne Brandon Ph.D.
The Future of Intimacy

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SEX

Cultivate a balance of lovemaking with more primal sexual behavior.

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KEY POINTS

• It’s easy to get stuck in sexual ruts, repeating what feels good until it eventually becomes boring.
• Showing authentic emotion during sex brings intensity to your experience.
• Making love can make more primal sexual experiences feel simultaneously safer and more exciting.
• You may prefer making love or primal sex, but limiting your sex to one or the other risks limiting passion.

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“I love my partner, but sex is nothing like it used to be.”

“I prefer getting myself off at this point, it’s difficult to rally for sex.”

“My husband is asking for the stuff I know he’s watching in porn. Our sex life needs improving, but there’s no way I’m doing that!”

I hear comments like these all the time in my therapy room. People, particularly those in long-term relationships, can struggle to keep sex interesting over time. Folks tend to repeat what feels good until it becomes boring. Porn may eventually offer excitement they can’t seem to manifest with their lover.

Most people enthusiastically embrace the idea of improving their sex life. But what exactly does improving one’s sex life entail? Advice online often states the same things: open and honest communication with your lover, and trying something new between the sheets. In truth, this advice falls short. For example, communicating about sex isn’t necessarily as easy as it may sound. While research consistently supports sexual communication as a necessary element of a fulfilling sex life, oftentimes what people need to say would be perceived by their partner as rude or hurtful – and so they remain silent. Further, they fear making things worse if their comments make their partner self-conscious. Trying new things can be similarly frustrating advice – people tend to try things they and their partner want and agree upon. After that, trying new things can become more anxiety-provoking than anything else. One person wants to experiment, the other doesn’t. Now what? Here are some things to try that don’t necessarily require you to do anything different than showing up.

We are born knowing how to have sex, but not innately grasping the skills of lovemaking. Often it’s as much about how you do something as what you are doing between the sheets. When I’m talking to clients about improving their sex lives, I break sex up into two main categories: making love, which I refer to as sex from the heart, and primal sex, which I call sex from the pelvis. Even though you may be more comfortable with one of these, both are important elements to keeping sex interesting and engaging over time. Both involve showing up authentically with your lover, and as a result, they can feel vulnerable. But the payoff in passion makes those feelings worth it.

Sex From the Heart

You can think of lovemaking as intercourse that relies on the heart as the primary sex organ. It’s the kind of sex shown in romantic films when people are falling in love. Even if you don’t love your partner, you can still fill your heart with admiration, gratitude, tenderness, or any warm, heart-centered emotion. First, take some moments before you join your partner and think about why you care for them. How have they added to your life? What do you respect and appreciate about them? See if you can feel those sensations in your body – a warmth or expansiveness in your heart, for example. Allow your body to fill with those emotions. Then, when you join your partner and begin touching them, use nonverbal communication to let them see what you are feeling. First, start with your eyes. Eyes are known as windows to the soul, so look your lover in the eyes and allow those emotions to show. Next, as you touch your lover, imagine the tender emotions flowing from your fingers. Touch your partner as you would touch something precious. These non-verbal communications can be more powerful than words, adding intensity and emotion to your sexual experience.

Sex From the Pelvis

Primal sex is exactly how it sounds – more animalistic and abandoned sexual sensations than the tender emotion of lovemaking. It, too, is powerful and intense, but the emotions generated are more lustful. This kind of sex is also amplified by showing your desire on your face – let your partner see longing in your eyes. And it’s about claiming you are an animal, a primate, and going for what you want. It’s the kind of sex that people typically watch in porn videos rather than experience themselves, again because people can feel self-conscious about letting this more instinctive desire show. For many people, it’s easier to watch other people acting out more lustful sex in porn videos than it is to show up that way in your own bedroom. However, imagine the powerful connection you can forge with your partner if you can actually share such passionate moments.

In sum, making love and more primal sex are complementary. The tenderness shared when lovemaking supports the more lustful passion of primal sex. Sex that is only loving risks becoming less exciting over time. Sex that is only primal risks lacking tenderness. It’s the combination of showing up emotionally for both that can take your sex life to the next level.