Marianne Brandon Ph.D.
The Future of Intimacy
LOW SEXUAL DESIRE
Long-term relationships impact sex drive in men and women differently.
KEY POINTS
- Low sexual desire is one of the more common reasons people seek sex therapy.
- While desire discrepancy is normal, extended periods of low desire can strain intimate connection.
- Three issues can more negatively impact women’s desire and are more evident in long-term relationships.
We Are More Similar Than Different Sexually, But…
People’s sexual needs are more similar than different — for example, most of us want to feel connected to, desired by, and attracted to our romantic partner. Nonetheless, many hetero couples struggle with desire discrepancy. While there is much variability among women’s experience of sex drive, in general, men in long-term relationships score higher on measures of sexual desire and behavior than women (Frankenbach et al., 2022). In fact, to my knowledge, there is no research study demonstrating otherwise. Of course, some hetero women in long-term relationships have a stronger drive than their partners. In general, however, it’s more common for his drive to be higher.
Source: Robby Fontanesi/Shutterstock
Female Desire in Short- Vs. Long-Term Relationships
The fact that women demonstrate a lower sex drive than men is not necessarily women’s experience, however. That’s because sex differences in sex drive are less evident in short-term and uncommitted relationships. Examples of uncommitted relationships include dating, friends with benefits, affairs (even long-term affairs), or when returning to dating after a divorce. In all these situations, male and female desire is much more aligned. In fact, a woman’s desire may well be higher than her partner’s. As a result, many hetero women have had the experience of an equal or stronger libido than their partner, because nearly all women in long-term relationships have first had the experience of short-term relationships.
3 Reasons Why Her Desire Tends to Be Lower in Long-Term Relationships
There are multiple reasons why this trend toward lower desire in long-term relationships is evident for women. First, the Dual Control Model of Sexual Desire (Janssen & Bancroft, 2023), as developed by Kinsey researchers, describes sexual desire as the combination of elements that turn someone on, also called excitatory stimuli, combined with the impact of elements that turn them off, or inhibitory responses. Examples of excitatory stimuli could include sharing a romantic meal, watching porn, or seeing your partner undress. Examples of inhibitory stimuli could include arguing with your partner, or a stressful day at work. Interestingly, women report more inhibitory responses than men, while men report more excitatory responses than women. For example, a woman might say she’s uncomfortable having sex when her kids or guests are in the house, while I’m less likely to hear that from a man. As a relationship ages, and lust diminishes, she’s apt to feel the impact of inhibitory responses more than he will.
A second reason why women’s desire tends to be lower in long-term relationships relates to her disgust response. Disgust is a strong word for an evolutionarily adaptive reaction to potential pathogens. Females have a higher disgust response than males — both generally and specifically with regard to sexual disgust (Crosby et al., 2019). This is probably because it minimizes the likelihood of accidentally contaminating a fetus or breastfeeding baby with toxins. However, feelings of sexual disgust are muted by the lust. Thus, her sexual disgust is less evident at the beginning of a relationship, when lust tends to be highest. This is why, for example, a woman might enjoy certain sex acts earlier in her relationship but then change her opinion as her relationship ages. As an example, while I have heard women say that they used to like oral sex but they don’t anymore, I’m less likely to hear that from a man.
Finally, most people habituate to their partner, thus reporting a decrease in desire for them as a relationship ages. However, research again consistently demonstrates that women are more negatively impacted by this shift (McNulty et al., 2019). That is, while men report a decrease in desire or attraction for their partner, this doesn’t necessarily impact their interest in having sex with their partner. Women, however, report less interest in sex with their partner as a result of this shift.
Ignoring Sex Differences in Sex Drive Can Backfire
Superficially, it may seem beneficial to hetero women if we disregard sex differences between the sexes. However, decades of work as a sex therapist have shown me that there are multiple reasons why it’s in women’s best interest to understand the science behind their differing sexual responses.
First, sexual satisfaction is extremely important for most people in long-term relationships. It correlates with relationship satisfaction and life satisfaction. It can thus only be beneficial if we have a clear understanding of the potent dynamics impacting sexual desire and satisfaction. Knowledge is power. The most effective way to enhance people’s sexual experience is to recognize what’s true and strategize from there. Thus, if a woman wishes to enhance her sex drive, she benefits from understanding as specifically as possible the variables impacting her sexual reactions. Second, people make meaning out of their sexual concerns. Thus, if a woman lacks understanding of her decreased sex drive, she’s more likely to pathologize herself or blame her partner. Further, she may be more likely to wonder if she’s with the “right” partner if she experiences her libido decreasing with time. Finally, she may be less surprised if this dynamic repeats itself, unfolding again in a new romantic relationship.
Raising Your Desire
These dynamics don’t mean that libido is fixed or immutable. If your desire is lower than you’d like, there are many ways to positively impact it. For example, you can focus on increasing your exposure to excitatory stimuli, explore hormone supplementation, practice meditation to help tune in to your body sensations, and engage newer and more potent varieties of sex tech, as well as other strategies. You can check out this blog post for more ideas: How to Genuinely Desire Sex With Your Partner.
When His Desire Is Lower
Of course, all this science doesn’t negate the fact that it’s not unusual for a hetero man’s desire to be lower than his partner’s. There are many possible reasons for this — anything that impacts him, his physiology, or his relationship can also negatively impact his sex drive. There are many reasons men can lose desire for sex. For more info, check out this post: What Happens When a Man Loses Interest in Sex.
In sum, sexual desire is an important element of sexual satisfaction, relationship satisfaction, and life satisfaction. Understanding the ways men and women differ sexually will only assist couples in cultivating the intimate lives they seek.
References
Crosby, C.L., Buss, D.M. & Meston, C.M. (2019). Sexual disgust: Evolutionary perspectives and relationship to female sexual function. Curr Sex Health Rep 11, 300–306. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11930-019-00219-6.
Frankenbach J, Weber M, Loschelder DD, Kilger H, Friese M. (2022). Sex drive: Theoretical conceptualization and meta-analytic review of gender differences. Psychol Bull. doi: 10.1037/bul0000366.
Janssen, E. & Bancroft, J. (2023) The dual control model of sexual response: A scoping review, 2009–2022, The Journal of Sex Research, DOI: 10.1080/00224499.2023.2219247.
McNulty JK, Maxwell JA, Meltzer AL, Baumeister RF. (2019). Sex-Differentiated Changes in Sexual Desire Predict Marital Dissatisfaction. Arch Sex Behav, 48(8):2473–2489. doi: 10.1007/s10508-019-01471-6. Epub 2019 Aug 30. PMID: 31471791.
