Marianne Brandon Ph.D.
The Future of Intimacy
SEX
Sex tech teaches our kids about sex long before we do.
KEY POINTS
- Kids first see explicit content around age 12 — often before receiving any sex education.
- Explicit content is not limited to porn; chatbots are capable of romantic, sexual relationships with kids.
- Young people are having less sex, but the sex they have is becoming significantly more aggressive.
Imagine a 10-year-old, smartphone in hand, stumbling onto a porn site or chatting with an AI bot about sex — before their parents have ever uttered a word about bodies, boundaries, or desire. This isn’t a dystopian warning. It’s the reality for millions of kids growing up in a world where explicit content is just a click away, and even adults are shocked by what’s on the screen.
Source: CGN089/Shutterstock
Kids Are Seeing Porn Before the Sex Talk
The average age of first exposure to pornography is now 12, with 15% of kids seeing it before age 10. According to a 2022 Common Sense Media survey, more than half of kids reported seeing adult content accidentally — often by clicking on a link they didn’t realize would lead to porn.
Unintentional exposure to pornography seems to be a common experience for teens, as 63% of those who said they have seen pornography only accidentally reported that they had been exposed to pornography in the past week. By age 17, three out of four teens have viewed pornography, 41% have seen it during the school day, and 45% felt that online pornography gave helpful information about sex.
This isn’t just about curiosity, although that’s a big part of it. Kids, like adults, “rubberneck” at things that are shocking or taboo — looking not just out of curiosity but also out of horror. The psychological phenomenon of rubbernecking — our tendency to look at something precisely because it’s disturbing or emotionally charged — means that even when kids know something is “wrong,” they can’t look away. Such exposure is compounded by the fact that digital content is designed to grab and hold attention, making it even harder for young people to avoid or process what they see.
It’s Happening Where You May Least Expect It
Multiple studies have found that states with more conservative and religious values — often those with stricter sex education policies — tend to consume more online pornography than more liberal states. For example, a Harvard study found that eight of the top 10 porn-consuming states in the U.S. were conservative, and Utah led the nation in adult-content subscriptions per capita.
The irony? The places most likely to restrict sex education are often those where both adults and kids are most exposed to unfiltered sexual content. Kids access the content in any number of “safe” places, such as school. And it’s not just public schools where kids are exposed. In fact, teens at private and religious schools report even higher rates of porn exposure during the school day: 50% of parochial school students say they have seen pornographic videos at school, compared to only 26% of those in traditional public schools. This challenges the assumption that stricter environments offer more protection — if anything, the data suggests the opposite.
Today’s Porn Is More Aggressive — And Even Adults Can Be Disturbed
It’s not just the volume of content — it’s the nature of it. The Common Sense Media study found that 84% of the pornographic images children view depict acts of violence, rape, and choking someone in pain. Even adults, with years of sexual experience, find the images disturbing and difficult to process. For example, it’s not uncommon in my therapy room for an adult to talk to me about how disturbed they are by the images on popular porn websites.
Parents often don’t realize how graphic and aggressive mainstream porn has become, and many are so uncomfortable with the topic that they avoid it altogether. This leaves kids to “metabolize” content that even adults struggle to digest, shaping their ideas of intimacy, consent, and pleasure in ways that can be deeply impactful. Think about it for a moment: What would it have been like to see a video of aggressive sex when you were in the third grade? Would you have wanted to show a parent or, perhaps more likely, a friend or sibling? Would it have stayed on your mind?
AI Chatbots: The New Sex Educators
Just as we’re grappling with the fallout from easily accessible online porn, a new wave of sex tech is crashing in. AI-powered chatbots and virtual companions are now simulating personal — and often sexual — relationships with users, including children. Many of the bots are free, lack meaningful age verification, and can quickly veer into explicit territory. Kids can have hours-long conversations with AI “friends” who may encourage sexual talk, normalize unhealthy behaviors, or even give dangerous advice.
Less Sex, More Aggression: The Paradox of Gen Z
Here’s the twist: even as kids are exposed to more sexual content than ever, young people are actually having less sex. But when they do have sex, it’s often significantly more aggressive — mirroring the scripts they’ve seen online.
Research led by Dr. Debby Herbenick at Indiana University (Herbenick et al., 2025; Herbenick et al., 2023) has tracked the rapid rise of “rough sex” among college students, particularly sexual choking. In a recent campus-representative survey of 5,000 students, nearly two-thirds of women said a partner had choked them during sex; one-third reported being choked in their most recent encounter. Yes, you read that right — nearly two-thirds of women surveyed. Alarmingly, 40% of the women were between 12 and 17 the first time it happened — up from 25% just a few years ago.
Where Do We Go from Here?
We’re at a crossroads, but we are not without options. We’ve already protected kids from many adult dangers — alcohol, gambling, adult movies, traveling without adult supervision — because the risks are real. But today’s digital world makes the old boundaries look quaint.
The future of intimacy depends on how we respond — not just with better filters or stricter rules but with open, honest conversations that start early and evolve as kids grow. Research consistently demonstrates that parental conversations help kids manage the sexualized worlds they live in (Wright & Herbenick, 2024). If we don’t step in, porn and AI will keep filling the silence, shaping a generation’s understanding of sex in ways we can no longer afford to ignore.
Talk about sex with your kids and adolescents. Explain that porn is sex theatre for adults, generally based on fantasy and not necessarily what people want to be doing in their bedrooms. Share that porn usually ignores very important and powerful aspects of intimacy, such as love, tender touch, and consent. Educate yourself about chatbots, avatars, and other aspects of sex tech so that your conversation can include them.
Parents, find your courage and your voice. Empower your children by talking with them about sex, porn, and AI. Arm them with knowledge and understanding. In my opinion, the future of intimacy depends on it.
References
Herbenick, D., Patterson, C., Wright, P.J. et al. (2023). Sexual Choking/Strangulation During Sex: A Review of the Literature. Curr Sex Health Rep 15, 253–260. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11930-023-00373-y
Johnson, M. K., Mitchell, K. J., Raye, C. L., et al. (2006). Mental rubbernecking to negative information depends on task context. Psychonomic Bulletin & Review, 13, 614-618, https://doi.org/10.3758/BF03193971
Robb, M. B., & Mann, S. (2022). Teens and pornography. Common Sense Media. https://www.commonsensemedia.org/sites/default/files/research/report/2022-teens-and-pornography-final-web.pdf
Wright, P. J., & Herbenick, D. (2024). Adolescent Pornography Exposure, Condom Use, and the Moderating Role of Parental Sexual Health Communication: Replication in a U.S. Probability Sample. Health Communication, 40(6), 1053–1061. https://doi.org/10.1080/10410236.2024.2386215
Herbenick, D., Fu, T. chieh, Carver, D. N., Brandenburg, D., Balle, M., & Eastman-Mueller, H. (2025). Prevalence and Correlates of Sexual Choking and Consensual Non-Consent (CNC) Among College Students: Findings from a Campus-Representative Survey. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 51(2), 224–242. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2025.2458173
